i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
