"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
