So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
