dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
