mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
