I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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