my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
So here I am, sexting at work.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
