the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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