Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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