Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
