I wanna bring you to show and tell
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
