Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Girls should come with a carfax report
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize