And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
