so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she smelled like a LAN party
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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