WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize