He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
im holly from the hills drunk
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I deserve this hangover.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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