WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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