hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
