JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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