She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
