This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
