After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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