oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
