Only a mothe r could love this liver
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
How does one acquire holy water?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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