Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
