you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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