He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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