apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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