My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
