I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize