gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
