I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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