She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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