I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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