She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
