Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
