i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
how drunk are you?
Several
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
