he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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