I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
All the doctor said was why
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
