i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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