I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
