dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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