Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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