I feel great
I just peed on a car
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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