Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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