At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
