My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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