My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize