New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
