I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
