ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
