Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
