True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
