So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
