I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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