I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
