I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
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