Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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